Throwback Thursday: Alistair Overeem’s Eight Greatest Squash Match Performances

(Simon says, “Die.” Photo via sescoopes)

If the bookies are to be believed, Alistair Overeem should tear through Ben Rothwell like tissue paper at Fight Night Mashantucket tomorrow. Currently listed as high as a 7 to 1 favorite over “Big” Ben, Overeem is already making some pretty bold claims about his next run at a title, which cannot possibly backfire a second time. Hell, Overeem might even throw Anthony Johnson a pity beatdown on his way to said title, just for kicks. He’s THAT confident.

Then again, confidence has never really been an issue for Overeem, and it’s easy to see why. When he is paired up against anyone less than a top contender, Overeem fights as if he’s been beamed down from a distant planet (let’s call it, “Pectoria”) to remind us humans of how puny and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of it all. Even his nickname, “The Demolition Man”, is otherworldly in its awesomeness.

And while it’s true that Overeem has struggled against upper echelon competition throughout his career, it’s also true that there isn’t a fighter alive who crushes cans quite like he does (not that Rothwell is by any means a can). Ubereem is the foremost purveyor of squash matches, indeed, so let these eight videos serve as a testament to his greatness.

In Which The Uber Makes Gary Goodridge Cry Out in Agony

By the time Gary Goodridge got around to fighting Alistair Overeem, he was a 42-year-old (though oddly enough, introduced as 32) relic of his former self who was waist deep in the eight-fight losing streak that would end his MMA career. Overeem, on the other hand, had just obliterated Mirko Cro Cop‘s testicles at DREAM 6. To say that these men’s careers were heading in opposite directions would be a slight understatement.

The age, speed, size, and everything else discrepancy was apparent from the very get-go, as Overeem followed up a few of his trademark vicious knees by just kind of gently guiding Goodridge to the ground to deliver a further beating. A series of brutal body shots followed, each sending shockwaves through the canvas with a sickening thud, and then, like a cat who had grown tired of its prey, Alistair mercifully finished off “Big Daddy” (phrasing) with an Americana.

Perhaps “mercifully” is the wrong word to use, as Goodridge was left crying out in pain like a man who had just received a botched vasectomy as it was happening. In any case, this fight was so insignificant that it is not even mentioned on either Overeem’s or Goodridge’s Wikipedia pages.

In Which The Uber Treats James Thompson Like a Child’s Play Thing

I may not speak the language, but I’d like to think that the announcers calling this fight were actively mocking it as it took place, hence their near constant bouts of uncontrollable laughter. The Japanese are unapologetically earnest when it comes to their love of freak show fights, and while Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg would be trying their hardest to sell us on James Thompson‘s underrated ground game or heavy hands, these two chose to treat the blasphemy of matchmaking that was Overeem vs. James Thompson like a nutshot compilation video on Youtube. Or maybe the Japanese language is just a series of pitched chuckles and guffaws. Researching it any further would only ruin the surprise.

In any case, Overeem’s fight with Thompson at DREAM 12 actually turned into a rather surprising affair, in that it somehow didn’t end in a 30-second KO victory for Alistair. It did, however, end in a 30-second submission win for Alistair after Thompson shot in on an ill-fated single leg takedown attempt. Uber broke less of a sweat finishing “The Colossus” than the announcers did laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole affair.

In Which a Pre “Uber” Uber Wipes the Floor With a Porn Star

Back in 2003, Alistair Overeem was but a frail beanpole of a man who could stand in the shadow of his future self. He was an Overeem who had yet to begin accumulating mass through totally natural means, but he was a dangerous Overeem nonetheless. Facing one-time UFC vet and future porn star Aaron Brink (a.k.a “Dick Delaware”) in his native Netherlands, Gauntereem looked every bit as dominant as his future Hulkish self would, scoring a quick takedown and locking up his patented guillotine choke in just under a minute.

The win would mark Overeem’s 10th straight and earn him a trip back to Japan, where he would knee Mike Bencic into submission at PRIDE 26. Brink would spend the rest of his days battling meth addiction while plowing premo trim in such films as Bossy MILFs 2, Gang Bang Virgins 2, Teens Take It Big 2, and Family Guy: The XXX Parody. So you tell me who’s led a more fulfilling life.

In Which The Uber Ends a Man’s Career Before It Ever Began

Poor Tae Hyun Lee. The sorry SOB never stood a chance.