Steven Seagal Teaches The Butterfly Punch (Satire)

The dojo is dimly lit in the pre-dawn stillness.  Anderson, Lyoto and Ed Soarez are chatting in Portugese when suddenly, eerie music sounds from the public address system, and the lights dim–smoke billows out from the men’s washroom door as it slowly opens–a flaming light comes from behind the door as a portly silhouette is revealed in the doorway.

Lyoto:  Hey Anderson! There’s a fire–we better ring the alarm and call the fire department!

He begins rushing for his iphone, but Ed grabs his arm.

Ed: Wait Lyoto, I don’t think it’s a fire.

Anderson: Not a fire, Ed?

Ed: I know that smell–I think it is dry ice!

Lyoto: Dry ice?

Ed: You know, frozen carbon dioxide–like in the old Pride days.

Anderson: Oh yes…that stuff. 

Lyoto: (coughing) Is it poisonous?

Ed: Well, there is a hell of a lot of it.  Maybe just to be safe, we should step back a little.

Anderson: (coughing and stepping back) Yes…is that CO2 good for the planet?

Slowly emerging from the swirling artificial fog is Steven Seagal actor/sublime martial arts master, dressed in a black gi complete with a gold lame belt performing an intricate kata appearing like a man  wearing weird shooting glasses performing a moonwalk while slapping vigorously at mosquitoes.

Anderson: Ah Steven…my good friend and teacher!  (looks over at Machida and grins) The man who taught me the front kick!

Machida: Yes, and who taught me the front kick too.  So many years I would kick sideways and backwards, but when you came along and taught us that kicks could be forward also, I still slap my forehead in amazement!

Seagal: Thank you padwan.  It is my duty to pass on the secret lore of the ancients.  These foolish commentators don’t realize that, yes, you knew the crane kick–but not until you met me did you know the Whooping Crane Kick.

Ed: Isn’t padwan from Star Wars?  That doesn’t sound very ancient to me.

Seagal: (in a deadly quiet voice) Are you questioning my authority as a martial arts master Ed?

Ed: No Steven, no, I wouldn’t do that.

Seagal: That’s good, because if I want to call my fucking student padwan–I can do it…are we clear on that Ed?

Ed: Sure Steven–we’re clear on that.

Anderson: So master Steven–what will you teach me how to defeat Yushin Okami–I have been tossing and turning, unable to sleep, thinking of the giant challenge Okami is to my championship belt.

Seagal: (tries to put an arm around Silva’s shoulders, but gives up after three unsuccessful attempts)  Padwan, I have come here today to teach you a technique that I invented–The Butterfly Soars Over The Cherry Blossom Punch.

Machida: Oooooh!  That sounds deadly…

Ed: A butterfly punch sounds deadly…?

(Ed snaps his mouth shut after a frosty glare from Seagal)

Anderson: I trust your martial arts wisdom Steven–you are a great man who has taught us so much.

Seagal:  Anderson, get into your fighting stance and try to defend the Butterfly Punch.

Anderson, hands on his hips, waits for Seagal.

Seagal: Well…assume your fighting stance.

Anderson: But Steven, this IS my fighting stance.

Seagal: Nevermind, pretend you’re another fighter and put your hands up.

Anderson: OK Steven–I will pretend.

(Silva raises his hands)

Seagal: Now watch this closely, I am only going to perform it once–and everyone here is sworn to secrecy–at least until after the fight–then I will let the fans and Dana White know the source of your fighting knowledge. 

(Seagal performs a slow strike looping over Silva’s guard)

Seagal: There. Now you know the secret–use it wisely padwans.

Lyoto: Wow! I’ve never seen a punch quite like that.  And thank you for doing it in slow motion so we would not miss the subtleness of the strike.

Seagal: What are you talking about padwan, that wasn’t slow motion–I punched Anderson three times.

Anderson: Yes Lyoto, that punch is completely different from any punch I have ever seen.  Awesome!

Ed: It just looked like a slow overhand right to me.

Seagal: Ed, how many fights have you been in? 

Ed:  None Steven.  How about you?

Seagal: Plenty Ed.  But I am not allowed to talk about them.  They were in the Himalayas between grandmaster Slapkido ninja kung fu green beret sambo warriors and me.  And I beat them all silly Ed…something you should remember.

Ed: I will Steven.

Anderson: Oh my good friend and teacher–can you show us that submlime strike one more time…please!

Seagal: I’m sorry Anderson, but I fear I have already revealed too much ancient lore today.

(Scratches his protuberant belly)

Seagal: Well that’s enough training for today.  Feel like breakfast at Denny’s?  I’m starving.