Blogkick: The ROFL Files; Funny MMA Quotes
In my efforts to compile a list of “Stupid MMA Quotes” for my most recent article I unearthed many other quotations that I would have liked to include but that didn’t quite qualify as “stupid”. Some were inspirational, others rekindled memories of legendary fights of the past but my favourite quotes were the ones that made me laugh. Since the previous article was well received I have decided to create a second collection of my favourite MMA quotes; The ROFL Files.
First up is a man who also made it onto the first list – Tito Ortiz. Love him or hate him, he’s a legend of MMA. Ortiz at his peak attracted many new fans and much attention in the form of media coverage. Even now he is still a huge pay per view draw and he at least deserves some credit for helping to grow the sport. One of Tito’s favourite methods to ensure he remained in the spotlight has always been pre-fight banter and trash talk. He is not always the most articulate character but he has dropped a few classics in his time and this beauty in the build-up to his second fight with Chuck Liddell is one of my favourites:
“Iceman! The Iceman? With your belly you look more like the Snowman!
Its hilarious quotes like this that helped to hype fights and that made Tito so popular and that will hopefully earn him a spot in the UFC Hall of Fame some day. It would be a shame if his relationship with Dana White prevented that from happening.
From potential Hall of Famer to actual Hall of Famer and another man who also had the dubious honour of making the stupid list, Royce Gracie. As with the stupid quotes there are certain individuals who could easily have a list all to themselves. Royce Gracie and the Gracie family in general are definitely in that category when it comes to funny quotes. This one happens to be funny and true:
“A black belt only covers two inches of your ass; you have to cover the rest.”
Another man who could easily have his own list, maybe even a whole book of funny quotations is Bas Rutten. Here he is with some solid self-defence tips for those thinking of going on safari:
“They say the only way to kill a lion, is with a rear naked choke, I’d rather just kick it in the head.””
Next on the list is the undisputed king of MMA funniness and a guy who could make it onto this list almost every time he opens his mouth. Yes, it’s Quinton Jackson. And like Bas, Rampage is also discussing how to beat a wild animal:
“I’m ‘a beat Wanderlei Silva, put him over my knee, pull down his pants and spank him for being so ugly”
Now this is where things get a little difficult because Blogkick has a strict policy of no bad language… But f*** it! This one is too good to leave out! This is what Tank Abbott had to say after losing a decision to Dan Severn after 18 minutes of fighting at The Ultimate Ultimate tournament (aka UFC 7.5) in 1995:
“I dreamed that I was being raped by Freddie Mercury!”
From one old school MMA legend to another. When Mark Coleman started out in the sport he was a pretty raw fighter using mostly a combination of wrestling, brute strength and aggression. If you feel like I’m selling him short just ask the man himself:
“When it started, for a while I was just going on instincts. But then they took head butts away so I had to learn some skills.”
Kazushi Sakuraba is another old school MMA hero and another guy who could probably qualify for his own list of funny quotes. Here’s just one of the many great examples:
“You should study Pokemon to get stronger.”
This was Sakuraba’s advice to a defeated adversary immediately after the fight. I guess they have some strange training practices in Japan. And Sakuraba is not the only strange one. Ikuhisa Minowa had some unusual aspirations for his MMA career too:
“I’d like to have an honest fight with an alien. If it had 6 arms, it would be difficult to strike with them, but if it has legs like a human, I could submit it with leg locks.”
Back to reality now and a great quote from Matt Serra. There weren’t many people backing Serra to win when he entered the octagon to face UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St. Pierre at UFC 69. The stocky New Yorker had obviously gotten wind that Joe Rogan and Dana White were among the doubters and after he knocked out GSP and Joe asked him how he felt, here’s what he had to say:
“I’m hungry, I hope you and Dana got some humble pie in the back.’
I’m sure that must have felt pretty good.
My initial plan was to round this off with one more quote to make it an even ten but I feel like I would be omitting too many gems. So instead, this is the best of the rest:
“My judo throws are the best in the world. All of the other throws are done by little girls.” Karo Parisian
“I don’t know what you eat, but your blood tastes delicious.” – Kenny Florian to Sean Sherk, UFC 64
“After the fight I’ll buy him a box of crayons and a colouring book and he could go make some f*****g art. I came to fight!” – Phil Baroni in response to Frank Shamrock saying that fighting was “an art”.
“Sorry, but I just got punched in the head by a giant Russian with a tattoo of a Grim Reaper holding a baby.” – Josh Barnett feeling a little discombobulated in a post fight interview after defeating Aleksander Emelianenko.
“I would drink Lyoto Machida‘s urine” –Forrest Griffin
“I’m gonna make [Rashad Evans] my nappy-headed ho.” – Tito Ortiz
“If you count all fights like everybody else does, including Rickson, who says he has 400 fights; if you count like that, I have a million.” – Hélio Gracie setting the record straight
“I gogo’d the f*****! Now put me on a magazine or something!” – Nick Diaz
“I was so happy and took out my gum shield and threw it into the crowd, but I am not a good thrower and I hit a lady in the third row in the forehead, who happened to be Caol Uno’s mother.” – An overexcited Joachim Hansen
“Most of my finishing holds would be illegal in Judo. I’m interested in ending the fight. That was actually taught to me by a dog. I asked, ‘what’s the best fighting style?’ and he said, ‘rough, rough, rough.’” – Gene LeBell
“I could make some impressive knockout videos too if you let me walk outside and just punch people and knock them out – “hey you, come fight!” – Chuck Liddell talking about Kimbo Slice
“Ortiz still needs to make friends with getting hit in the face” – Randy Couture
“If I wanted to spend a half hour between two hairy legs I’d go to your mother’s house.” – Don Frye
“Ken Shamrock is the World’s Most Dangerous Man? Maybe behind the wheel of a car.” – Don Frye
“Losing is like my ex-wife… it’s a b****, and it takes a bigger man than me to live with it.” –Don Frye
“You can buy muscles, but you can’t buy COJONES!” – Bas Rutten
“I dont believe in an eye for an eye, I believe in two eyes for an eye” – Bas Rutten
“Somebodys telling me that about my wife; Im sorry sir im going to have to break your leg.” – Bas Rutten
“Look sir I really dont want anything of this, and I go ‘woosh’ like this and I slit your throat and its over and out..” – Bas Rutten
“It went well, thank you. Bas Rutten is the most handsome man in the world….” – Bas Rutten pretending to translate a Japanese fighter
“Now hopefully if he plays his card right… his cards, hopefully he has more than one.” – Bas Rutten
“Some guys make mistakes and get caught in a sub, Chuck made a mistake and got caught in an asswhuppin'”- Rampage Jackson
“It’s like having the moon on you, ya know, how do you get the moon off you?” – Rampage talking about Roy Nelson
“I tried to slam the stank off of him.” – Rampage not happy about Matt Lindland’s personal hygiene
“The lil eagle soars again!” – Mike Goldberg on Jens “lil evil” Pulver
“His precision is so…uh….precise!” – Mike Goldberg
“He wants to get in close to use that reach advantage.” – Mike Goldberg
“He’s getting his SECOND second chance.” – Mike Goldberg
“Jihad to that, brother.” – Mike Goldberg
“You know Joe, When Matt and his brother Mark Hughes were growing up they would pound each other behind the barn!” – Mike Goldberg
“This is the best BJ we’ve seen in a long time.” – Joe Rogan
“If Tyson Griffin was a girl, I’d say he has a badonkadonk.” – Joe Rogan
“This isn’t Survivor! If you want someone out, you can’t vote someone off. You beat ‘em off!” – Dana White
“A Black Belt under the Nogueira Brothers is like saying I got a free toy in my happy meal” – Chael Sonnen
“If Michael Bisping addresses me again in public, I will bury him where he stands.” – Chael Sonnen
“GSP is good, but don’t get me wrong he better stay at 170 with the other midgetts.” – Chael Sonnen
“The guys in the back know who the tough guy is. If we walk in the back dressing room and Anderson says put on hip hop and Chael walks in and says put on country, I guarantee it’s gonna be a hoedown.” – Chael Sonnen
