Armchair Matchmaker: ‘UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot’ Edition

(Having recently established himself as the alpha male, the Bigfoot eagerly races off into the jungles of Brazil to copulate with the herd’s last remaining female.)

We may be a few days removed from UFC on FX 5, but that doesn’t mean that the future has already been determined for the night’s biggest winners. Joe Silva and Sean Shelby may be the best in the biz, but even they could probably use a bit of matchmaking advice — or at least a backup plan– considering that half of the fights they book in the aftermath of this event will be cancelled due to injury, arrest, or a classic case of bitch wife. This is where the Armchair Matchmaker comes in, for what are sports without over analysis, needless speculation, and a headscratching appearance from Liam Neeson? By the end of this article, you will have witnessed at least one of these.

Here we go.

Antonio Silva: You might chalk this up to laziness, but pairing the rebounding “Bigfoot” against Stefan Struve seems like an awesome idea to us. We know Stefan called out Fabricio Werdum following his big win over Stipe Miocic at UFC on FUEL 5, but we think this matchup makes just as much sense, if not more. Both men have recently reestablished themselves at legitimate threats and Werdum 2.0 (you know, the one that can do this to people on the feet) seems like he would put on a clinic against either man. It would be a stretch to declare that either Struve or Silva are exactly title-worthy material yet, so let these two big men slug it out and give the winner a top contender. It’s a classic battle of Chin vs. Lankiness – Jay Leno vs. Conan O’Brien in an MMA ring, if you will — and would surely deliver an exciting finish inside the distance.

Jake Ellenberger: He may have come away with a victory over a legit fighter in Jay Hieron on Friday, but Ellenberger’s performance was easily one of the most disappointing in recent memory, which is saying something considering he was just TKO’d in his last fight. Ellenberger seemed far too content to throw haymakers with the hope of a flash KO and never really went out of his way to try and obtain a finish, so there’d be no better way to light a fire under him for his next fight than to pair him with perennial trash-talking contender Josh Koscheck. Kos is coming off a close loss to Johnny Hendricks, who he ranked just above “Ingleburger” in a previous interview and would love the opportunity to prove all of us retarded, fighter-ranking assholes wrong anyway.

John Dodson: Although Dodson earned the right to fight newly-crowned flyweight champion Demetrious Johnson with his impressive second round knockout of Jussier Formiga, we’d rather see Dodson take on the drunken asshole that couldn’t keep quiet on Friday in a no holds-barred street fight to the death. If Dodson wins, we can never complain about another flyweight fight again. If he loses, we pack him and as many flyweights as humanely possible into an undersized car and let the hijinks ensue.

Justin Edwards: Edwards is four fights into his UFC career, yet we still don’t really know what to make of the guy. His 45-second victory over Neer was both impressive and unexpected, but again, it didn’t tell us much about him other than the fact that he has a nasty arm-in guillotine. Simply put, we need to see more of Edwards, and a fight that would show us a lot about the guy would be against a Dan Miller type fighter. Not only does Miller also possess one of the nastiest guillotines in the division — which he used to score his last victory — but he is a well rounded, middle-of-the-pack guy who would be the perfect litmus test for Edwards. Miller was expected to face Sean Pierson at UFC 152, but pulled out when he received word that his son Danny Jr. would be undergoing a much needed kidney transplant. Now that Danny Jr. appears to be in the clear for the time being, we imagine Dan could use some more help paying the bills, and a win over Edwards would be a solid step in the right direction.

Michael Johnson: The TUF 12 product was able to overcome some early difficulty against Danny Castillo (thanks in part to a slight mental error by “Last Call”) in the first round and scored the most vicious knockout of his career in the second. Now finding himself on a three fight win streak, Johnson could use a slight step up in competition to see if he can overcome adversity again. A clash against the ever-improving Matt Wiman would make sense. Wiman recently scored a huge upset over Paul Sass at UFC on FUEL 5, and like Johnson, could use another big victory to keep his name in circulation.

Mike Pierce: It was almost eerie how similar Pierce’s and Johnson’s performances were last Friday. Both men were rocked in the first round, only to release the Kraken (I TOLD YOU!) and deliver a spine-shattering knockout early in the second. Considering how terrible Pierce looked in his victory over Carlos Eduardo Rocha his last trip out, he has to be feeling like a boss right now and rightfully so. Pierce is now 7-3 in his UFC career, with all of his losses coming to title challengers, so why not toss him another former title challenger? After falling to a third round come from behind submission at the hands of Martin Kampmann, Thiago Alves was supposed to fight Yoshihiro Akiyama at UFC 149, but blah blah blah injury curse, so pairing him against Pierce seems like a pretty smart move to effectively destroy any hope one of these men has at a title shot (or another in Alves’ case).

Are there any matchups that you’d rather see, Potato Nation?

-J. Jones